All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
