I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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