i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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