I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
