once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
