The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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