you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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