I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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