Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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