Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
