i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Boobs are out for the taking
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
