I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
