the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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