so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
