i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
