so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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