He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
