Girls should come with a carfax report
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
