Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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