So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize