Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
