fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
