That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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