having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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