u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
