I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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