allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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