We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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