I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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