I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
