i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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