So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
