I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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