beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
