Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize