Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
