I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
