when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
