you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
