Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
