if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
