you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
