I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
