god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
