So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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