I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
A+ Viking dick
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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