The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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