this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
