I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
