I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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