I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
