do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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