I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize