there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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