I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
