If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
