tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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