I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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