Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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