if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
