I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
