Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
